Meanwhile in a parallel universe
Dear Britain, Europe and the rest of the world,
I am sorry, I have lied, I didn’t even want the result that we’ve got. Still, life at large is indifferent to our predicament and I must do what is right. So here it goes.
Yes, we have made promises that we knew we had not meant.
And yes, we have made promises that we had no intention to acknowledge.
And yes, we have misled many so that we could amass the Leave vote.
Then, when the result was confirmed, instead of a genuine hope and optimism for a brave new world, racial attacks and xenophobic abuses were unleashed in many parts of the country. Instead of building our national pride, we lash out on innocent strangers who don’t look like us. Instead of unity, we woke up to find our country divided more than ever.
All these happened because of our selfish ambition, our power craze and our sense of entitlement.
I am truly ashamed of myself, and I want to apologise unreservedly on behalf of my party.
I admit that I do not know what the best way forward is because we haven’t a plan. What I can at least do is resign from my position in the government.
Before I go, however, I will try to make amends:
Firstly, whichever way you have voted, remember unity is our only hope to create a better future for our children and grandchildren, a prosperous future that is only possible through openness, cooperation and, ultimately, honesty with each other and our international friends. We may be divided by geography, but politics should help bring us together.
Secondly, I will offer my service to, hopefully, a cross-party working group to draw up plans to take the nation forward following Brexit. I urge all party leaders to set aside personal and party differences to place our national interest first.
Then, I need to check my privilege by offering my service to work in one of our most deprived areas with some of our most disadvantaged communities to learn what life is really like outside the Westminister champagne bar. I may actually learn a thing or two, though I don’t know what yet.
And for those who are using the Brexit result as a mandate for any racial attacks or xenophobic abuses, I will make it my personal responsibility to make sure that your actions will be met with the toughest sanctions the law of the land can dish out.
For now. I want to apologise to my country, Europe and the world. I have deceived you. Please, if you can, I hope you will find somewhere in your heart to forgive me.
I remain forever your humble servant.